poetry & miscellanea

"treatment-resistant"

I have had enough people with medical licenses classify my depression as being “treatment-resistant” to understand that it is true, and what that means:

I must work overtime at being alive

In a world that was built by

Others for others,

And this is the only burden I bear which I had no part in creating

But I will not blame the world for my reaction to it

I accept being crazy as I cry for the way we tear ourselves to pieces, and I genuinely detest violence of all kinds but last September I bought a pistol in case I ever can’t take it anymore

"journal - jan 5 2024"

To be honest, I don’t really care about the world or glory or money or anything. All I care about is connection. We all make it hard to do that with each other sometimes.

All I wanna do is go outside and yell: “HEY EVERYBODY!!!! SEE ALL THIS STUFF?! WHO FUCKING CARES??!???!! LETS FUCK.” I guess that’s the Floridian in me

Alright, it’s 1:34. Here comes FLCL.

"oh renae"

Let’s go back while we can
Now that we’ve seen the path ahead
We can salvage the meaning
In private with the replay tapes

You look so good in a poem
You are heavenly in song
Where all of you will be much be better off
Until the real article’s forgotten

So that photographs
And first impressions
Are the only things
That remain

We share this wound together
Best not to slice at the stitches
Or admire the way the blood drips

I am trying to talk to the cats outside
I am wagging my tail for the ones I can

Pure intentions absolve no one of anything

The shapes of
The clouds in the sky
Fold in and out of each other
I love the colors and the way they change

I wondered what would become
If we opened up our hearts
And I will wonder forever
Whether it left us better off

I don’t have to
Close my eyes
To find the answer
It’s a part of me now

Oh Renae, I swear
It feels like nothing good will ever happen
Sweet love - my friend
It feels like nothing good will ever happen again

"barbenheimer blues"

I've been thinking about dying

Warm and heavy, safe and secure

How the darkness will engulf me

And all of my burdens with it

Looking for a reason

Not to build the bomb,

To create instead of destroy, have a

Tomorrow like today and a

Today like yesterday

I killed myself to be like you

And I must bear the blame

I uncovered truths I wish I hadn’t

But I moved on all the same

Cause when you're alright with death

They can't hold a gun to your head

This is the only truth that matters

Anymore